CHAPTER I 

1. Now it came to pass in those days, when James, whose surname is Buchanan, was chief ruler of the land, the people were grieved because their wise men, whom they had chosen, feared not God, but were wicked in His sight. 

2.  Many of them had gathered themselves together at the great Sanhedrim, at the city of Washington, for the people had said unto them, "Go up hither and make laws for us and manage our affairs for us, that it may be well for us and our little ones." 

3.  And they went up to the great city, and communed with James, and took their seats in the great Sanhedrim, even in the Congress of the United States. 

4.  And behold these were the days of peace and prosperity.  The lands of the people were fruitful, and their barns were full of corn.  They were arrayed in fine linen and much crinoline, and fared sumptuously every day. 

5.  And the people had built them many railroads and put upon them great chariots that belched forth fire and smoke; and the chariots were of great size, and made of iron and wood curiously carved, and brass and steel. 

6.  Moreover, these chariots did fly upon the roads of iron, swift as an eagle, and men did travel upon them, and carried many parcels of oil, and wine, and spice, and fine flour. 

7.  And they carried much cotton, and tobacco, and lambs' wool, and curious vessels of wood, and iron, and brass. 

8.  And their cities did grow and become mighty upon the earth, and their fame went abroad into all the earth. 

9.  Then did the magicians stretch out long wires of iron, reaching from one city to another, which they called Telegraphs, and by means of magnetism they did send tidings one to another, even as men speak face to face. 

10.  And the people became proud, and they said one to another, "There is no people upon the face of the whole earth that is equal unto us, not even the land of Britain, whence our fathers came." 

11.  And their young men became haughty, and learned to chew tobacco, and to smoke cigars, and to drink wine, and costly drinks. Moreover they were profane before men, and foolish, and cared not to be as wise as their fathers were. 

12.  And the maidens likewise were exceedingly puffed up, and they wore costly merchandise, and rings and bracelets of gold, and jewels and precious stones, and they arrayed themselves in silk and fine apparel, insomuch that none had ever witnessed the like in any part of the earth. 

13.  An the wise men at Washington drank wine, and became drunken, and they spent the people's money in riotous living, and failed to make wise laws by which the land should be governed. 

14.  Then were there such example of corruption as had not been seen upon the earth since the days of Noah; for men stole vast sums from the treasury, and gave bribes unto judges and juries, and they slew one another, and their crimes filled the land with mourning.

CHAPTER II

1.  New James, the Chief Ruler, was an old man and full of years. 

2.  And when he perceived that his eyes were dim and his strength well nigh gone, he called together the wise men, and said unto them,-- 

3.  Men and Brethren, ye perceive that I am an old many, for my locks are white as hoar frost, and my knees tremble because of many years. 

4.  Ye know that I have served the country from my youth, and, now, behold I need rest in my old age! 

5.  Look ye among yourselves, and choose one to be the Chief Ruler of this mighty nation after me, for I must soon be gathered unto my fathers. 

6.  Moreover, James told them that on the fourth day of the month, at the end of the fourth year of his reign, even on that self same day, would he leave the City of Washington, and cease to be the Chief Ruler of the land forever. 

7.  Then were the wise men so vexed, and they lifted up their voice and wept; for they loved James; he had been to them as a father, and when they had taken much gold and silver from the treasury, he had not punished them. 

8.  And they fell upon his neck and kissed him.  And they departed each man to his own house. 

9.  Now, the wise men from the South, communed one with another, and consulted whom they should choose to be Chief Ruler. 

10.  And they agreed to come together at the city of Charleston, and to ask the elders of all the Southern country to meet them, that they might deliberate together, and choose one who would favor the people of the Southern States. 

11.  Then they sent word into all the South, for the people to choose discreet men, who should go to Charleston, and sit together in a convention. 

12.  The wise men from the North, heard of the doings of the wise men of the South, and they said, "Let us hold a convention among ourselves, and choose a Chief Ruler from the North, that it may be well with us and with our party." 

13.  And they appointed a convention at the lake city, even the city of Chicago, and sent a proclamation into all the land, inviting the elders from all the provinces of the North to come unto that place.

CHAPTER III 

1.  Now it came to pass when it was noised abroad throughout the land, that James, whose surname is Buchanan, would soon be Chief Ruler no more, there arose great contention among the people. 

2.  Some of them cried out, saying, let us appoint John, whose surname is Bell, for he is a mighty man, full of wisdom, and well suited to be the Chief Ruler of a great nation. 

3.  Others say, nay, but we will choose John, whose surname is Breckenridge, for he loved our nation, and hath done many mighty deeds for it. 

4.  Now, this John dwelt in the land of Kentucky, and he was a man of great repute in the land;  he was comely to look upon, and eloquent in speech. 

5.  Moreover, he had long been the companion of James, and knew how to be Chief Ruler, for he had been second in office for many years. 

6.  Meantime, the people of the North, said among themselves, whom shall we choose?  for there were many among them that wished to be Chief Ruler. 

7.  There was one among them, who was fair spoken, and well versed in all the manners and customs of this "universal Yankee nation," and his name was William, but in the Anglo-Saxon tongue he was called Seward. 

8.  And William greatly desired to be chosen Chief Ruler.  So he communed with Horace, the High Priest of the Tribune in the city of Gotham. 

9.  And Horace loved William, and his soul clave unto him.  And William said unto Horace, swear unto me that thou wilt be true unto me, and that the Tribune will favor my election. 

10.  And Horace sware unto him.  And William gave Horace much gold, and some oil in a censor, and a pomegranate, and kissed him and departed unto his own house. 

11.  And Horace wrote in the Tribune advising the people to choose William for their Chief Ruler.  He also made many speeches, and showed how much William loved the country--how well he had filled the place of Governor of New York, and how powerfully he had opposed Southern slavery. 

12.  And the thing pleased the Abolitionists, and they swore upon the palms of their hands, and cried out, great and mighty is William, whose surname is Seward! 

13.  Meanwhile the people of the South gathered together in all the States, and cities, and towns, and villages, and they choose good and discreet men to go to Charleston, to nominate some one to be Chief Ruler of the land. 

14.  In these days it came to pass, that there was a man in the tribe of Illinois, whose name was Stephen, which in the tongue of the Suckers, means, the Little Giant. 

15.  Stephen was a man of small stature; but he was comely to look upon.  He was eloquent in speech, fond of champaigne and Democratic principles. 

16.  Stephen was a man of great authority.  Once upon a time the people had chosen him for a Judge, and then they had sent him to Congress from the gallant Sucker State. 

17.  So great was the fame of Stephen, that there was none like him, all of the North-West, nor was there any so powerful in all the land.

18.  About this time many editors wrote in the newspapers, say, "Let us make Stephen Chief Ruler," and the saying greatly pleased the people. 

CHAPTER IV 

1.  And when the time had come for the elders to assemble at Charleston, to nominate for the Presidency, 

2.  Behold they came from all parts, some wishing to nominate John, whose surname is Bell; others preferring John the Kentuckian. 

3.  Then came friends of William, saying, 

4.  Choose ye William to be Chief Ruler, and I will give unto you each a fine suit of purple, and a Federal office, and your little ones shall live upon the fat of the land. 

5.  But the friends of Stephen came saying, "Let your choice fall upon Stephen, and great good shall come unto us, and upon you, and upon all that dwell in North America 

6.  Then great fear fell upon the Convention, for they were sore vexed.  They knew not whom to choose, and the thing was a great trial unto them. 

7.  And they made speeches and cast lots for many days.  And their wrath one toward another waxed warm, and they failed to choose one to be the Chief Ruler.  Then they arose and went each man to his own house. 

8.  Then the friends of John, whose surname is Bell, made a league that they would vote for him, and no other; and so he was their candidate. 

9.  And the friends of John, the Kentuckian, also make a league to vote for him, and he came forth as a candidate for Chief Ruler. 

10.  Then gathered the elders of the North together at the city of Chicago, to choose one to be Chief Ruler over all the land. 

11.  And they came from the tribe of Maine, and Massachusetts, and Minnesota, and from all the country north of Mason and Dixon's line. 

12.  And when they were gathered together, Horace read them a letter from William, and said unto them: "Men and brethren, I pray you, if I have found favor in your sight, nominate William this day."  And he bowed himself unto the earth three times. 

13.  Then came there one and stood up in the midst, and beckoned with his hand, and they gave audience unto him. 

14.  And he said unto them, that he came unto them from Abraham, whose surname was Lincoln, who was of the tribe of Kentucky, 

15.  That Abraham had sent unto them, saying, "Nominate me this day, and I will promise you that I will give great gifts unto all that will vote for me."

16.  And this saying please the people, and they nominated Abraham to be Chief Ruler..

CHAPTER V 

1.  Now Abraham was a man tall in stature, and his complexion was as dark as an Ethiopian. 

2.  And Abraham dwelt in the region of the Sangamon river, and drank its waters, and was brought up as a "splitter of rails." 

3.  And Abraham was two score and fourteen years old when he was nominated for Chief Ruler. 

4.  It came to pass when a mighty rumor went out through all the land, Behold the Chicago convention hath nominated Abraham. 

5.  That the friends of Stephen assembled together, and said one to another, Let us nominate Stephen, for he once did beat Abraham for the Senate, peradventure he may beat him again. 

6.  And they did accordingly, and they nominated Stephen. 

7.  Then many persons left their houses, and went through all the land, and made speeches and wrote circulars, and paid money. 

 8.  And they gave promises and pledges, and they made threats, if the people should not give their votes to their friends. 

9.  And great excitement prevailed, such as no man in all the land had ever seen. 

10.  And Some wore badges, and emblems, and medals. 

11.  And they dreamed dreams, and they swore oaths, and greatly disturbed the public peace. 

12.  And many were there of the South, that swore in their wrath, that if Abraham should be chosen to be Chief Ruler, they would withdraw from the Union. 

13.  In those days, there were societies known as the "Wide Awakes," and "Plug Uglies." 

14.  Some of the baser sort wore brass knuckles; others carried repeaters or derringers.  Murders were committed, and assaults were made, and men's hearts failed them through fear.