1. Now it came to pass in
those days, when James, whose surname is Buchanan, was chief ruler of the
land, the people were grieved because their wise men, whom they had
chosen, feared not God, but were wicked in His sight.
2. Many of them had gathered themselves together at the great
Sanhedrim, at the city of Washington, for the people had said unto them,
"Go up hither and make laws for us and manage our affairs for us,
that it may be well for us and our little ones."
3. And they went up to the great city, and communed with James,
and took their seats in the great Sanhedrim, even in the Congress of the
4. And behold these were the days of peace and prosperity.
The lands of the people were fruitful, and their barns were full of
corn. They were arrayed in
fine linen and much crinoline, and fared sumptuously every day.
5. And the people had built them many railroads and put upon
them great chariots that belched forth fire and smoke; and the chariots
were of great size, and made of iron and wood curiously carved, and brass
6. Moreover, these chariots did fly upon the roads of iron,
swift as an eagle, and men did travel upon them, and carried many parcels
of oil, and wine, and spice, and fine flour.
7. And they carried much cotton, and tobacco, and lambs' wool,
and curious vessels of wood, and iron, and brass.
8. And their cities did grow and become mighty upon the earth,
and their fame went abroad into all the earth.
9. Then did the magicians stretch out long wires of iron,
reaching from one city to another, which they called Telegraphs, and by
means of magnetism they did send tidings one to another, even as men speak
face to face.
10. And the people became proud, and they said one to another,
"There is no people upon the face of the whole earth that is equal
unto us, not even the land of Britain, whence our fathers came."
11. And their young men became haughty, and learned to chew
tobacco, and to smoke cigars, and to drink wine, and costly drinks.
Moreover they were profane before men, and foolish, and cared not to be as
wise as their fathers were.
12. And the maidens likewise were exceedingly puffed up, and they
wore costly merchandise, and rings and bracelets of gold, and jewels and
precious stones, and they arrayed themselves in silk and fine apparel,
insomuch that none had ever witnessed the like in any part of the earth.
13. An the wise men at Washington drank wine, and became drunken,
and they spent the people's money in riotous living, and failed to make
wise laws by which the land should be governed.
14. Then were there such example of corruption as had not been seen upon the earth since the days of Noah; for men stole vast sums from the treasury, and gave bribes unto judges and juries, and they slew one another, and their crimes filled the land with mourning.
1. New James, the Chief Ruler, was an old man and full of years.
2. And when he perceived that his eyes were dim and his strength
well nigh gone, he called together the wise men, and said unto them,--
3. Men and Brethren, ye perceive that I am an old many, for my
locks are white as hoar frost, and my knees tremble because of many years.
4. Ye know that I have served the country from my youth, and,
now, behold I need rest in my old age!
5. Look ye among yourselves, and choose one to be the Chief
Ruler of this mighty nation after me, for I must soon be gathered unto my
6. Moreover, James told them that on the fourth day of the
month, at the end of the fourth year of his reign, even on that self same
day, would he leave the City of Washington, and cease to be the Chief
Ruler of the land forever.
7. Then were the wise men so vexed, and they lifted up their
voice and wept; for they loved James; he had been to them as a father, and
when they had taken much gold and silver from the treasury, he had not
8. And they fell upon his neck and kissed him.
And they departed each man to his own house.
9. Now, the wise men from the South, communed one with another,
and consulted whom they should choose to be Chief Ruler.
10. And they agreed to come together at the city of Charleston,
and to ask the elders of all the Southern country to meet them, that they
might deliberate together, and choose one who would favor the people of
the Southern States.
11. Then they sent word into all the South, for the people to
choose discreet men, who should go to Charleston, and sit together in a
12. The wise men from the North, heard of the doings of the wise men of the South, and they said, "Let us hold a convention among ourselves, and choose a Chief Ruler from the North, that it may be well with us and with our party."
13. And they
appointed a convention at the lake city, even the city of Chicago, and
sent a proclamation into all the land, inviting the elders from all the
provinces of the North to come unto that place.
1. Now it came to pass when it was noised abroad throughout the
land, that James, whose surname is Buchanan, would soon be Chief Ruler no
more, there arose great contention among the people.
2. Some of them cried out, saying, let us appoint John, whose
surname is Bell, for he is a mighty man, full of wisdom, and well suited
to be the Chief Ruler of a great nation.
3. Others say, nay, but we will choose John, whose surname is
Breckenridge, for he loved our nation, and hath done many mighty deeds for
4. Now, this John dwelt in the land of Kentucky, and he was a
man of great repute in the land; he
was comely to look upon, and eloquent in speech.
5. Moreover, he had long been the companion of James, and knew
how to be Chief Ruler, for he had been second in office for many years.
6. Meantime, the people of the North, said among themselves,
whom shall we choose? for
there were many among them that wished to be Chief Ruler.
7. There was one among them, who was fair spoken, and well
versed in all the manners and customs of this "universal Yankee
nation," and his name was William, but in the Anglo-Saxon tongue he
was called Seward.
8. And William greatly desired to be chosen Chief Ruler.
So he communed with Horace, the High Priest of the Tribune in the
city of Gotham.
9. And Horace loved William, and his soul clave unto him.
And William said unto Horace, swear unto me that thou wilt be true
unto me, and that the Tribune will favor my election.
10. And Horace sware unto him.
And William gave Horace much gold, and some oil in a censor, and a
pomegranate, and kissed him and departed unto his own house.
11. And Horace wrote in the Tribune advising the people to choose
William for their Chief Ruler. He
also made many speeches, and showed how much William loved the
country--how well he had filled the place of Governor of New York, and how
powerfully he had opposed Southern slavery.
12. And the thing pleased the Abolitionists, and they swore upon
the palms of their hands, and cried out, great and mighty is William,
whose surname is Seward!
13. Meanwhile the people of the South gathered together in all
the States, and cities, and towns, and villages, and they choose good and
discreet men to go to Charleston, to nominate some one to be Chief Ruler
of the land.
14. In these days it came to pass, that there was a man in the
tribe of Illinois, whose name was Stephen, which in the tongue of the
Suckers, means, the Little Giant.
15. Stephen was a man of small stature; but he was comely to look
upon. He was eloquent in
speech, fond of champaigne and Democratic principles.
16. Stephen was a man of great authority. Once upon a time the people had chosen him for a Judge, and
then they had sent him to Congress from the gallant Sucker State.
17. So great was the fame of Stephen, that there was none like him, all of the North-West, nor was there any so powerful in all the land.
18. About this time
many editors wrote in the newspapers, say, "Let us make Stephen Chief
Ruler," and the saying greatly pleased the people.
1. And when the time had come for the elders to assemble at
Charleston, to nominate for the Presidency,
2. Behold they came from all parts, some wishing to nominate
John, whose surname is Bell; others preferring John the Kentuckian.
3. Then came friends of William, saying,
4. Choose ye William to be Chief Ruler, and I will give unto you
each a fine suit of purple, and a Federal office, and your little ones
shall live upon the fat of the land.
5. But the friends of Stephen came saying, "Let your choice
fall upon Stephen, and great good shall come unto us, and upon you, and
upon all that dwell in North America
6. Then great fear fell upon the Convention, for they were sore
vexed. They knew not whom to
choose, and the thing was a great trial unto them.
7. And they made speeches and cast lots for many days.
And their wrath one toward another waxed warm, and they failed to
choose one to be the Chief Ruler. Then
they arose and went each man to his own house.
8. Then the friends of John, whose surname is Bell, made a
league that they would vote for him, and no other; and so he was their
9. And the friends of John, the Kentuckian, also make a league
to vote for him, and he came forth as a candidate for Chief Ruler.
10. Then gathered the elders of the North together at the city of
Chicago, to choose one to be Chief Ruler over all the land.
11. And they came from the tribe of Maine, and Massachusetts, and
Minnesota, and from all the country north of Mason and Dixon's line.
12. And when they were gathered together, Horace read them a
letter from William, and said unto them: "Men and brethren, I pray
you, if I have found favor in your sight, nominate William this day."
And he bowed himself unto the earth three times.
13. Then came there one and stood up in the midst, and beckoned
with his hand, and they gave audience unto him.
14. And he said unto them, that he came unto them from Abraham,
whose surname was Lincoln, who was of the tribe of Kentucky,
15. That Abraham had sent unto them, saying, "Nominate me this day, and I will promise you that I will give great gifts unto all that will vote for me."
16. And this saying please the people, and they nominated Abraham to be Chief Ruler..
1. Now Abraham was a man tall in stature, and his complexion was
as dark as an Ethiopian.
2. And Abraham dwelt in the region of the Sangamon river, and
drank its waters, and was brought up as a "splitter of rails."
3. And Abraham was two score and fourteen years old when he was
nominated for Chief Ruler.
4. It came to pass when a mighty rumor went out through all the
land, Behold the Chicago convention hath nominated Abraham.
5. That the friends of Stephen assembled together, and said one
to another, Let us nominate Stephen, for he once did beat Abraham for the
Senate, peradventure he may beat him again.
6. And they did accordingly, and they nominated Stephen.
7. Then many persons left their houses, and went through all the
land, and made speeches and wrote circulars, and paid money.
8. And they gave
promises and pledges, and they made threats, if the people should not give
their votes to their friends.
9. And great excitement prevailed, such as no man in all the
land had ever seen.
And Some wore badges, and emblems, and medals.
11. And they dreamed dreams, and they swore oaths, and greatly
disturbed the public peace.
12. And many were there of the South, that swore in their wrath,
that if Abraham should be chosen to be Chief Ruler, they would withdraw
from the Union.
13. In those days, there were societies known as the "Wide
Awakes," and "Plug Uglies."
14. Some of the baser sort wore brass knuckles; others carried
repeaters or derringers. Murders
were committed, and assaults were made, and men's hearts failed them
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